


Torture Time

by lobo_chan



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Tea Parties, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-12
Updated: 2016-08-12
Packaged: 2018-08-08 06:14:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7746241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lobo_chan/pseuds/lobo_chan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Poe Dameron has withstood hours of torture at the hands of the First Order and refused to crack. Now they've called in Kylo Ren, and Ren's interrogation technique is a little... unorthodox.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Torture Time

**Author's Note:**

> So I was watching TFA again and in one of the scenes where Kylo is creeping on someone in the torture chair my brain somehow got to "wouldn't it be funny if he forced people to have tea parties with him?"

“I had no idea we had the best pilot in the Resistance on board.”

Poe opened his eyes and glared at the new torturer for good measure.

“Comfortable?”

“Not really.” He’d only been beaten and cut up and all sorts of things that had to be against some convention somewhere.

“I’m impressed,” Kylo Ren stalked across the room, “No one has been able to get out of you what you did with the map.”

“You might wanna rethink your technique.”

“Hm,” it came out as a hiss of static through that stupid Vader wannabe helmet, “I’m sure you’ll find my technique anything but lacking.”  
Well that didn’t sound good.

Kylo reached his hand out behind him, the Force pulling a small cart in from the doorway.

“Oh goody, more knives?”

That mask didn’t look away from him as Kylo pulled a white sheet off of the cart. The mask was… actually a bit creepy. Poe tore his eyes away from the dark “eyes are here” area of the mask and looked to see what new horrors awaited him. On the cart was… A porcelain teapot? It was white with little pink roses on it and everything.

“Uh, if you’re planning on waterboarding me, they already did that earlier. Like, twice.”

Kylo turned towards the cart and waved his hand in some mystic Force gesture.

Steam started rising calmly from the spout of the teapot.

Shit, boiling water, really?

“Don’t be afraid.”

Poe laughed somewhat hysterically, “Yeah, alright.”

“Do you prefer chamomile or black?”

What was he talking about?

“Black, then. I’m starting to run low on chamomile.” Poe honestly wasn’t sure if Kylo was still talking to him or had started talking to himself with that last bit. Kylo put two teabags into the pot before sitting down in a chair that he just Force pulled out of nowhere so he could face Poe.

Kylo didn’t do or say anything.

Poe looked at the teapot.

Still nothing.

Poe looked at Kylo.

Kylo propped one ankle up on the opposite knee and leaned back.

The tea smelled kinda nice.

Silence.

“So is this your technique? Staring at people? Can’t say I’m very impressed.”

“Just wait.”

Poe shuddered. Damn, he really hoped the knight didn’t notice that, didn’t know that all of this was just maybe a tiny little bit getting to him.

Poe finally gave up and just leaned his head back into the torture chair after sitting in silence for a couple minutes. He didn’t even look up when Kylo finally got up and started doing something. Nope, the Resistance would not be intimidated by the likes of the First Order. Nu-uh.

“Do you like sugar in your tea?”

“Um… if it’s black tea, then I guess yeah?”

Another static hiss, then the sound of what was presumably sugar being added to the tea one spoonful at a time.

Poe sighed and closed his eyes. Yep, he’d cracked under the strain of the First Order’s torture and now he was hallucinating a Knight of Ren making tea for him, that was the only logical explanation for all of this. But at least he hadn’t told them where the map was!

“Would you like a scone with your tea?”

“Sure, I’m a bit hungry. Hours of torture really takes it out of a guy, you know?”

A chuckle, “I’m sure it does.”

He opened his eyes and leaned as far forward as he was able to while being strapped to a chair, eager to see where this hallucination was going.

Kylo had an entire matching tea set on the cart. There was a serving plate full of scones, a smaller plate with a single scone on it, a little saucer with a rose in the middle, a sugar bowl, and an adorable little teacup looking totally out of place in the knight’s hand, what with the black leather and all. He carefully raised the teacup up to Poe’s lips and let him drink. Too much sugar, but beggars can’t be choosers and all of that.

“It’s nice to have someone to share tea with,” Kylo said, “The First Order doesn’t seem to really go in for tea time, you know.”

“You don’t say.”

“I’d been dying to make some scones but I can never eat them all by myself, but when I heard that they weren’t having any luck getting anything out of you and were considering sending for me I thought to myself ‘Ah yes, perfect! Better start on the scones right away, show our prisoner some hospitality’,” Kylo put the teacup down and picked up the little plate with the one scone on it, “Do tell me how you think they came out.”

“Are you trying to do a good cop bad cop thing right now?”

“I’m trying to enjoy tea time with you.”

Poe sighed and took a bite of the scone. He chewed thoughtfully, “It’s on the dry side.”

“Hm.”

Things continued thus through two cups of tea, Kylo making small talk and serving Poe tea and Poe just going along with it. The screaming had really made him thirsty.

“What did you do with the map?”

“Do you honestly think I’m going to tell you just because you made me tea?”

Kylo sighed a burst of static.

“This has got to be the weirdest interrogation ever.”

“More tea?”

“I- What? No, I don’t want more of your shitty tea!”

Kylo Ren suddenly loomed rather than just standing beside Poe. The air around him was thick with power, anger.

Poe swallowed.

“You will drink more tea.”

“Yeah, I-I will drink more tea.”

“You will eat my scones.”

“I will eat your scones.”

Kylo relaxed and resumed feeding Poe scones and tea, and Poe was powerless to resist. The scones were dry and bland and after the first one or two when he was no longer absolutely famished, it was an ordeal to get through them. They were just so dry, they made his mouth feel like he might as well not have drunk anything since the initial, normal torture started. And the tea? All of that sugar was starting to make him queasy. And the cooler the tea got and the closer they were to the bottom of the pot, the more the tea resembled sludge rather than water.

“What did you do with the map?”

“Please stop making me drink this.”

“The map.”

He groaned as he drank down the thick dregs of the latest cup, “It’s in a droid, alright? Just stop. I think I’m gonna be sick.”

“Where is the droid?”

“You guys have got an army, you figure it out!”

Kylo poured one final cup from the pot, only filling the teacup about halfway. He brought the cup up to Poe’s lips again and waited until it was gone to ask again, “Where is the droid?”

“I’m not telling you.”

“I can do this all day.”

“I’d like to see you try!”

Kylo stormed out of the room, taking his little cart with him.

There, that’ll show the First Order what the Resistance was about! Resisting, even in the face of a crazy Vader wannabe possible hallucination!

Kylo returned about fifteen minutes later with the cart reloaded, and the whole process started again. This time, instead of simply sitting and staring at him, Kylo once again asked him where the droid was.

“Not telling you.”

“Where is the droid?”

“Nope.”

“Tea’s done.”

“Shit.”

The compulsion from earlier seemed to have worn off, so at least he was able to resist this time. Kylo pressed the teacup up to Poe’s lips and he stubbornly turned his head, spilling tea all down his front like a disgruntled baby that was not going to accept that strained peas were a good source of food, thank you very much.

“Drink your damn tea.”

“No!”

“You’re being very rude.”

“Go fuck yourself.”

Kylo grabbed Poe’s jaw in one hand and squeezed, forcing his mouth open just enough to dump more tea in.

Poe sputtered, half choking on his tea, “Alright, alright!”

“The droid?”

“Just promise you won’t make me drink any more tea or eat more scones!”

“If you cooperate.”

“And let me go to the bathroom.”

“Deal.”

So he gave Kylo a basic description of BB-8, all so he wouldn’t die by drowning in shitty tea or piss himself in front of the enemy.

Poe prayed that they didn’t find BB-8. He would have to kill himself or something if it turned out he doomed the galaxy because of his bladder.


End file.
